I belong to the ocean. I crave to be near its waters and crashing waves as they land on the shore. I long to be out at sea and surrounded by nothing but sparkling, blue sea and Father Sky. But I am somewhat terrified of actually being in its water.
I stood knee-deep in the Pacific as anxiety poured over me with the thrust of the waves as they pushed me towards the shore and attempted to pull me back in. I laid on the beach for hours before deciding to go back in.
The tide rushed deep into the shoreline to touch my feet and in that moment I knew I needed to try to flow with the waves instead of fight against them. So, I went back into the water with determination to match my fear. I didn’t wander too far from the shore, but enough where I could still touch the ground if I needed. I anticipated each wave and bobbed as they came to me, keeping my head above water. But the ocean was not satisfied and a couple swallowed me whole, leaving me completely drenched and rocks in my suit as if a part of the sea wanted to return home with me.
In those moments, I remembered the rush of fear I have always had in the water. The times swimming in Florida in my early 20s; when I was young and the current of the river took my uncle’s raft down further out of sight and left me behind and alone; and the time my sister almost drowned in that same river and my mom rushed to save her.
I am not sure where my fear of being in the water comes from. However, knowing that my truest nature is water, I can only guess that it’s a fear of my own power. My work right now on my own journey is to flow more and just be, allowing things to come to me just like the tide always reaches the shore. My habit of constantly doing has not served me for a long time. I am ready to be home.
What is your work right now on your journey? What does home feel like to you?